Yogi Bhajan said: Self-reliance is the greatest art.
That’s my main focus at the moment. Self-reliance. I’m practicing it. I have a break from binge-listening to spiritual podcasts and reading spiritual books. I feel like a teenage rebellion. Like I’m ready to stand on my own. I’m ready to fully trust myself.
Another aspect of this is that I have finally come to a close with my feelings around my mother. I don’t put my energy there anymore. I feel FREE. For those who know me you know that I grew up with a mother suffering from bipolar and schizofrenia. And this took and have taken a lot of energy from me. But it doesn’t anymore. Instead I can use this energy to live my life in the present moment instead of feeling sorry for myself to have had a childhood like I had and to not have had a healthy mother since I was 14. I realized very early in my life that I needed to work with myself so I have been doing this for almost 26(!) years now! And I’m done with it. At least for now. :)
I just want to have FUN. To laugh, play and don’t have such a serious outlook on life.
I’m tired of keeping stuff that’s not in alignment with my current life and what I want for my future. Yes, I’m also going through my physical stuff. I have had the book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo for a while and I have read it before. I have gone through my clothes and the books before but not the papers. But now I’m starting over again. I have redone my clothes, my books and I’m almost done with my papers. And it feels soooo good! I love the spiritual part of KonMari as the method is called. What I learn about myself as I go through my stuff is really life changing. And I have rediscovered my appreciation for order.
I used to like to have it neat and tidy around me when I was a child. But something happened in my teens when my mother started to be sick. Because at that time I started to be messy. And I have seen myself as a messy person since. But as I mentioned before, this is not my true essence. I like order around me. And it’s time to create that again. I also don’t like having too much stuff around. Although I have had a problem to let go of sentimental stuff but they are going now too :). It’s like I’m shaking off an old smelly costume. I’m ready to dance, shake my legs and sing!
To be honest I just wanna have fun. I want to follow my heart’s desire and laugh and play. One revolutionary thing is that I’m reading Marian Key’s novel The Break. Honestly, I didn’t pick it for the title, I realized what the title was when I had already bought it. I found it in a Pocket Shop last week and I used to read Key’s books a lot many years ago. But for different reasons I stopped. And when I found it in the store I just bought it. And I love this feeling :) This feeling of not being so damn serious.
I was born a happy girl. A positive girl. But I decided to tell myself an energy-draining story. I’m putting an end to that story now. It’s about time.
Life is NOT supposed to be heavy. If you have old stuff like I had with my mother keeping you down find a way to let go. Make a decision to let go of the old garbage and feel the lightness and just go with the flow and have FUN. It’s not about burying your feelings. It’s about knowing when it’s enough. When it’s time to let go.
I have realized that I cannot make my mother free from her diseases and I cannot change my experience. So therefore I decided to let it go.